Facing a hammock, the eyes behind the shades narrow Special Forces style, scanning the situation for obvious horticultural hazards. Following a delusionary physical inventory and shake out of the ancient limbs, there’s a lightning fast glance over each shoulder to ensure the companions are distracted by flirting or snorkelling up their punch.

Once suffered, no-one ever wants a public repeat of the spontaneous hammock dismount in a whirling carousel of legs, arms, shrieks – the detached skirt fluttering down as a sad final-curtain to dignity.

If you do a middle-aged prat fall, no matter how they croon, hug and smear you up with Sudocrem, you will be immortalised forever by that cackling BBQ crew. If the hammock is just too low, the ground will at least be close – and you’ll be cocooned up in a tight, cotton spin-cycle before the shallow face-plant.

As a life-long lover of the unique suspension and cloudscape offered by hammocks, I needed advice on taming the ancient Mayan ‘fishing net’.

Oliver Bond runs Hammockology near Cork, a one-stop-shop for all things hammock (including all the hammock hardware you need plus quirky accessorising). Oliver explains that sustainability is at the heart of his business now celebrating its 20th year.

“We source hammocks from all over the world, and the ethics of our suppliers are really important to us. All timber products such as the stands and spreader bars are FSC certified. We love the Balinese company, Ticket to the Moon, for their policy of paying their workers well above average wages whilst also giving paid holidays and even a pension scheme; unusual in Asia. La Siesta from Germany has a great track record for using sustainable materials such as their organic cotton range of hammocks and our friends at Amazonas, the manufacturers of The Globo, recently made a €10,000 donation for humanitarian aid to Ukraine.”

Every hammock has a capacity. Some are meant for single recliners, others can take a couple and even an invading toddler. Two skinny minnies may be safe in a stout, well rated single, whereas a lighter double may struggle with a larger, taller individual. In terms of the situation, using posts (set in cement please) or mature trees, we need in the area of 75cm longer than the hammock itself for plenty of hanging room and changes in tensioning chains and straps. Hammock stands and any spreader bars take up considerable room, so ensure there’s passing room. You could secure one end to the house with the right anchor. Here and elsewhere the ground beneath cannot be ignored. Oliver suggests a wide cushion set underneath a lower hung hammock.

Oliver explains more, “As a rule of thumb, the longer and wider a hammock is the more comfortable it is. It’s not that single hammocks are uncomfortable but what if someone offered you the choice of a single or king-size bed to sleep in on your own. After that, think about how and where you will use it. Is it between two trees, how far apart are they? Check the length of the hammock, if it’s too long you’ll be sitting on the lawn. Do you want something lightweight to throw in your bag and take on holiday? Will all the neighbourhood kids be piling in and doing loop the loops in it? Is the most important thing that it compliments your new frock so you look fabulous on Instagram?”

It’s hard to keep intelligent, strategic kids away despite the instruction of every responsible supplier, that youngsters must be supervised. For adults, the hammock should be set in its signature ‘sag’ to sit down into at a chair height, without putting your knees up your nose (around 45cm – 47cm is good). Too stiff and tight, and it will feel like a mortuary table, and you won’t be able to sit up to read your book with ease.

What does Oliver recommend as the best style of hammock for the nervous boarder? “There are two types that you will generally see, ones with [mostly wooden] spreader bars at each end holding the hammock open, and ones which are basically just a piece of fabric with gathered ends,” says Oliver. “If you’re bored of watching funny cat videos and want to giggle at people falling out of hammocks on YouTube, you will find countless clips of comedy genius. Notice all those hammocks in the videos have spreader bars? If you get in a bit too nonchalant, and sit too far back or if you shift your weight too far to one side, the hammock will flip. North American style rod hammocks are so wide that you probably won’t fall out of them. As a rule of thumb if you’re a bit nervous, then pick a fabric-only hammock.”

Is there a trick to getting in? “Unless you’re a kamikaze kid with a disregard for their own safety,” Oliver continues, “you should not get into a hammock feet first. ‘Eek’ inducing for parents. To get in safely (even those high risk spreader bar ones), stand in the middle with your back to the hammock. Hold the leading edge with your hands, or one at the front and one hand at the back to hold it open and simply sit down as if it was a chair. Next, pivot on your backside and throw your feet in. Same in reverse on the way out. Simple.

So, what about trees, will hanging a hammock from a tree hurt it and do they stretch with normal use? “There’s been a movement in recent years with hammock manufacturers to introduce new strap systems to protect the bark on trees, normally made from seatbelt like material with loops sewn into them for adjustment.

These products are safe and easy to use without tying complicated knots and are definitely kinder to trees. Moon Straps are our favourite version. In the US where hammock camping is a super popular alternative to sleeping in a tent, some national parks have introduced rules that allow hammocks to be hung using tree-friendly straps.”

Will these and any hammock stretch over time? “Oh God!” Oliver laughs. “Imagine, bit by bit, slowly getting closer to the ground. Cut back on the pies or your hammock might become a picnic blanket!”

What does he rate as the most weather-resistant and non-hassle material? “Modern hammocks have a range of different fabrics apart from the traditional cotton or canvas ones. Lightweight parachute silk hammocks, like Ticket to the Moon hammocks, which are nylon, are soft, wonderfully comfortable and they dry quickly but can fade over time.

Polypropylene hammocks have a much more traditional look and feel to them, they mimic natural fibre hammocks but with better drying, mould resistance and UV protection.” So with the material in mind what’s trending for Summer 2022?

“The superb Globo is finally available again after being one of most sort after and elusive products during lockdown,” says Oliver. “ Strictly speaking it’s a hanging chair but, if it’s comfortable and swings, then that’s good enough for us.”

Prices from €50 to €499 (ensure you have all fixings opted in) at hammocks.ie.

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